I could talk about myself all day, but I won't.

My niece is my best friend and the owner of my heart
I love animals
I abhor meat-eaters
I like to lick a little bit 'o labia - courtesy of Lizzy the lezzy
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A magic carpet ride.

I've added a new section at the bottom of every feature for comments. Use them. You're allowed to vote too. Get involved. I insist.

I'm trying to be a real lawyer so I might not have the time to keep you as entertained as I usually do. Be fair! I'm just a little boy!
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Ellen played a bit of YouTube video that rocked my world. I had to investigate her and share my findings. I think she's the coolest chick alive and my future ex-wife. She goes by Karmin on YouTube, but Ellen called her Amy. Whatever her name is, she's talented.

How many sexual partners does it take to root you firmly in whore territory?

More than your age (10 | 55%)
Over 20 (5 | 28%)
Over 10 (3 | 17%)
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"It's a little bit horrifying just how quickly everything can fall to crap. Sometimes, it takes a huge loss to remind you of what you care about the most. Sometimes, you find yourself becoming stronger as a result, wiser, better equipped to deal with the next big disaster that comes along. Sometimes, but not always."



- Meredith -
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Oprah ruined my fun game. That bitch. I'm joking. Some housewife could shank me for saying that. LOVE Oprah. This is Lea T, the world's first tranny supermodel. She's really hot - if we disregard the whole penis thing.
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You know the deal

Manish girl (5 | 28%)
Girly boy (13 | 72%)
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Generally, I only function in three ways to non-family: friend, lover or girlfriend. Once that specific role has been defined, including fine print, I perform in the way I'm expected to. As a friend, I’ll be there for you and all that cute stuff. As a lover, I won’t develop unnecessary emotions or allow you to. As a girlfriend I’ll smile at your friends, even if I don’t like them. I like structured interactions where I know exactly what is expected of me and how to deliver. The people I interact with understand my nature and how to work around it.

Dating isn’t like that. Nothing is defined; we’re all just winging it. It’s like being in limbo. Will this work out? Do we have chemistry? Are you actually a jerk? Am I the jerk? I don’t like that. I don’t like having to pretend to care about someone’s interests. I don’t like wasting airtime on texting and calling for something that might not work out. I don’t like having to pretend that I don’t fart. Because I do. And I burp. And I’m Crazy. And I have a short temper. And I pinch people. And I hold people to impossibly high standards that I can’t always meet. And I never actually apologise unless I believe that I’m wrong. But most of all, I hate courtship. I want to skip it and get to the part where we’re in a relationship or realise that it wasn’t meant to be.

Turning someone on is easy, but turning them off is even easier. Do as I say and you might navigate your way out of limbo.


Grammar, punctuation and SMS language

You want the person you like to think that you’re not stupid, right? So think about everything you send them. You might say something smart, but it doesn’t count if it isn’t properly conveyed. Run-on sentences aren’t your friend.

SMS language, if you can even call it that, is just another way of sidestepping the fact that you can’t spell. Don’t do it. You learnt how to make summaries in school so there’s no reason why you can’t highlight key concepts and save airtime at the same time. And don’t use SMS language when it contains the same number of letters as the actual word. E.g.: “hugz”. That’s not cute; it just makes you seem illiterate.

Punctuation is a big deal. Sloppy punctuation creates ambiguity. Commas are your friends. Exclamation marks aren’t. Are you shouting at me or are you excited? I can’t even tell anymore. NB: Ellipses aren’t fancy full stops. You can’t just use them whenever you feel like it!!! See, that was me shouting. E.g.: “Hey... I’ve been thinking about you...” What are you saying? Did we fight and now you aren’t sure how I’ll receive your text? Are you trying to say that you’ve been having sexual thoughts about me? Is this just a normal afternoon text? So why not use full stops? Maybe you should read books and not calendars.


Don’t lie

I don’t lie because I’m awesome. You can’t put more awesome on awesome. That and I can’t stay in character. You have to commit to being this person you’ve portrayed, even once you’re in a relationship. It’s an eternal trap. Don’t make up interests because there’s a chance the person you like might enjoy them. There’s nothing like going to a jam factory on your first date. Who told you to tell me that you like fruit preserves? I love a good jam and now I’m excited over nothing.


Stop trying to act cool

I’m not sure about other women, but I like to feel special. If I don’t, I dip out. I completely remove myself from that situation. Don’t take hours to reply to someone’s text, unless you’re actually illiterate and someone has to help you draft a response. It’s just inappropriate and the mood might be over by then. They might have put their underwear back on (we’ll get to that later). If you’re hanging out, don’t brush them off or say that you have so many options. Is this person supposed to feel honoured? Get a grip. Actually, slap yourself. For all you know, their first choice had gastro and they really didn’t want to watch that movie alone.


Never touch someone intimately unless you know they won’t press charges

This really creates the impression that you only see the person you like as a slab of meat. No hands on thighs under the table. No back massages. No neck rubbing. No cheek stroking. You could be accosting a virgin. Do you want to get anally raped in prison? Some people like to flirt and not follow through. Make sure you’re not misinterpreting their signals. I would personally flip out and give you a lecture about taking me lightly and having no values or dignity. If I gave you the go-ahead, I’d wear your skin as a coat. All up in there. Word to your mother.


NB: Don’t send sexy texts unless you you’re in the room, an adjacent room or on your way

That’s just selfish behaviour. So you get them all rattled up and then what? They have to finish what you started alone? It’s actually rude. How dare you? No, tell me. You can’t say nice things if you have no intention of making them happen. “If I was with you, I’d...” You aren’t so I don’t even want to hear that story. And if you’re on your way, you better remember what you said when you arrive. No one’s watching “Vampire Diaries” when very nice things were promised. If someone does, that someone’s going to be bitter.

Be yourself! There’s a good chance someone might like you for you. Don’t rely on that too much though. Actually, always present the version of you want to be. Yeah, do that. Don’t reveal your secrets either. And burp. Be a real person. Or something.

xoxo

Oh and being illiterate is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a reality in this country. No judgement here.
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“You know what really scares me? I liked being fucked up, now more than ever. Is that a kid thing or a family thing?”

- Becca -
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Are relationships really worth it?

Yes (8 | 35%)
No (15 | 65%)
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I wish I could clone Whitney from "The Real L Word". She does all the things that I like. Her dreads are amazing - because they're clean. Piercings, tats - I wouldn't be able to walk away. My version wouldn't be a douche though. And she'd be smarter, maybe even well-spoken - if her DNA wouldn't curdle.
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Kreayshawn is my latest obsession!The cutest pocket white girl ever and she's mad gangsta, son! I love her!
More of my favourite gangsta white bitch, Kreayshawn. I love her. I hope you love her too!
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I'm here, I'm queer, buy me a drink
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